Spaceman: A Baseball Odyssey

“World Baseball Classic, Rounds 1 & 2: Baseball Primero, Politicos Nunca”

by Bill “Spaceman” Lee, somewhere on a beach in Pinones, Puerto Rico

Panama played better than their 0-3 record looks. 0-3 suggests you can’t play. China was 0-3. Now, China can’t play! At least at this level. But they showed up. That’s good for the planet. I first played against the Big Red Machine in ’76 outside of Hang Chow. I think it was Canton in those days. They were real bad back in the Nixon/Kissinger era. Good at ping pong though. I taught ‘em their first curveball. It doesn’t seem to have took. When you’re five runs for and forty against it tells me you need some pitching and defense first. Hitting is just desire.

Panama’s losses were heartbreaks first, and disillusionment last. They lose 2-1 to Puerto Rico, a game that could have gone either way. Next, they meet their nemesis La Isla del Jardin, Cuba who has beaten them seven straight times, pounding them in more ways than one during their last encounter in Rotterdam. There were two bench clearing brawls and four ejections after a bad bean ball incident. Now, Panama had a chance to win this game twice in the bottom of the ninth only to have the ethereal quicksilver of victory slip through Carlos Lee’s fingers. And last, the disillusionment of a Shairon Martis seven inning no hitter. They were blanked by the 18 year old pitcher from the Netherlands. Marti threw the no hitter without striking out a soul. You can’t say Panama went down with their bats on their shoulders. They just found no fertile land for their balls to fall.

Now that Fidel fellow, he sure is a lucky man. He has survived changing U.S. regimes going all the way back to Ike. He has survived the Soviets trying to dominate the most beautiful island in the Caribbean. When they left, there was a lot of scattered DNA, Russian first names, camel buses and some indestructible Ladas. Hell, someone even tried to poison him with a chicken salad sandwich. His WBC baseball team is by far luckier. They survived him! Fidel had them so tight after his two hour closed door pep talk. “How tight were they, Jose?” Man, you couldn’t pull a nail out of their asses with a pair of eight inch pliers. Thank God the younger players fell asleep.

So Bill, why did you jump in your Leer and head to Puerto Rico? To loosen their sphincters? No, not really. The snow is beginning to show signs of wear and all my trees in Vermont are tapped. The roads are getting greasy and breaking up. The sap is running. We only had three weeks of winter when the trees went to sleep. I heard the polar ice cap is melting and Polar bears are starting to look like Mark Spitz. No, I came here because it’s where baseball is played with pride. The Panama/Cuba game on ESPN gave me the bug. It was like War and Peace. There was bad base running, misjudged fly balls, then great double plays and over the shoulder catches. It was a ballet, with up and down emotions. ESPN did a great job after a slow start with O Destrade and O Hershiser (even though he doesn’t know the difference between a slider and a fork ball). And oh, that third announcer that butchered the Spanish names, that would be Gary Thorn. Hell, I’ve butchered more languages than a meat cutter, price chopper.

Still the Cubans grabbed victory from the proverbial jaws of defeat. Both teams dug out of more holes than Marines on Mount Surabachi. Speaking of Iwojima, I heard back on the mainland that the U.S. came from behind to defeat the Japanese on a controversial call. When confronted by U.S. skipper Buck Martinez, the home plate umpire overruled the third base umpire’s correct call. What exactly did Martinez say to the umpire? My guess, “Remember Pearl Harbor.” Come to think of it, Gore Vidal once said that we’ve been in perpetual war for perpetual peace since WWII. Hey Bud, is this WBC a wag the dog? You know it’s the first anniversary of the House Subcommittee hearing on steroids? McGuire called Canseco a liar. Now they’re going to take Big Mac’s name off of Interstate 70 in St. Louis. Lucky for him there’s a McDonald’s at every exit. Come on Bill, get back to the island.

The Cuban pitcher came back from a 3 and 1, bases loaded situation twice. What that means to the lay person is, the pitcher was in deep shit. Carlos Lee took a slider for strike two and swung through a high fastball for out number two. The pitcher promptly puts himself into the 3 and 1 hole again. The Cuban catcher Pestano stand up walks five feet from the pitcher, points and gives him a “suck it up, Comrade” stare? Next pitch, fast ball right down Broadway, strike 2. Then a 3-2 curve ball down and in. Too close to take, batter fouls it off. Next pitch fast ball, foul ball. Then on the seventh pitch of the tie breaker, a little jam shot to center. It’s going to drop in. Panama is going to break the curse. But no, the Russkie makes an over the shoulder catch to save the game.

Upon arriving in Puerto Rico, I went straight to Hiram Bithorn Stadium to see the Cubans defeat the Netherlands and advance to the second round. Cuba then went on to defeat host country, Puerto Rico to advance to the semi-finals in San Diego. I can’t wait to see how far they go. I came into this tournament rooting for the Cubans. I always loved an underdog. Then I saw the Korean team. Hell, it was a Lee family reunion. You had, Go Long Lee and his seven brothers. If there’s a Cuba/Korea final, I can’t lose. You know, I never cared much for Bud Selig. He always looked like a used car salesman to me. But if the whole world plays baseball, before you know it, we’ll have world peace. This Nobel Prize is for you, Bud.